Lockdown reflections – lockdown without Mac

So I’m entering my sixth week of working from home, and most of them under lockdown.  I’m one of the lucky ones – one of the ones who can continue to work from home; one of the ones who gets to experience lockdown in a nice home with my wife and two dogs and a garden; one of the ones whose income has not been affected by these strange times.

And work has been busy and fulfilling and I don’t have to worry about travelling – working long hours is not so bad when you are instantly home.  Of course, it can be difficult to get away from work, when the emails are constantly buzzing away in the corner – but it’s a small price to pay to be locked down in comfort.

But as ever, at times like these I always find my thoughts turning to Mac….he would have been nineteen, turning twenty.  What would he have been doing?  Would he have still been at home? Would he have been stuck in the house with his parents as so may of his peers are? 

One thing I do know is that Mac would have taken lockdown in one of two extreme ways.  Either:

  • He would have hated it.  He hated been stuck in the house at the best of times, especially if he was told he had to.  He would have been super stir crazy, and he would have been impossible to keep in – looking for any excuse to run an errand or to get out, or:
  • He would have taken it super seriously….making sure that everything was bleached and that we were all washing our hands and no-one was allowed near the house just to make sure that he kept us well.

And the more I have thought about it, the more I can’t be sure how he would have been.  All I am sure of is that I wish he was here.  I could do with one of his enormous all-enveloping bearhugs when things seem a bit tough as we ride the emotional rollercoaster of the Coronavirus lockdown.

You see when you lose someone you never expected to die in your lifetime; when your perfect little family of three is destroyed in an instant; when you realise how fragile even the most young, robust life is – it can make you feel extremely vulnerable.  It is often said that three is  crowd – but when it’s the two of you and your child, it turns you from a couple into a family.  A perfect unit.  And when that is taken away – being just a couple feels so much more vulnerable than it did before – it’s just one step away from being on your own…

But in many ways lockdown has been good for me and Swee – it has given us so much time to be a couple and to remember what a strong couple we are, and to enjoy all of the times we have together – watching the TV we like, looking after one another, talking and reminiscing about those we have lost – but mostly just laughing at really silly things!

5 thoughts on “Lockdown reflections – lockdown without Mac

  1. Grief can indeed be its own lockdown. Our son died three years ago from lung cancer at 35 – a non smoker – and though some straight talking Chris gave me, from love, is still making me change, I hope for the better, my husband is moving away from me and making no effort to take on board what I am trying to do; this hurts and knowing it is my own fault just makes things worse


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